Kain and the Nightmare from Next Door
by Thraxenel
Summary: Kain and Raziel get into all sorts of ups-and-downs. It's going to be one heck of a day for them both. Pls R&R!
1. Default Chapter

!!!Kain and The Nightmare from Next Door!!! By Thraxenel ..................................  
  
Kain: Greetings fellow fanfic-writers (And readers, of course)! This is Kain speaking and I command you to read my fanfic!  
  
Raziel: Your fanfic stinks.  
  
Kain: Quiet, you jawless freak.  
  
Raziel: It's true. *Looks at camera* I mean really, Kain stinks in comedy.  
  
Kain: *Raises Reaver* Didn't I tell you to shut up?  
  
Raziel: Didn't hear it.  
  
Kain: That's it! RAGGHHHH!  
  
The collide and start rolling and grappling on the ground.  
  
Thraxenel: (Sighs and shakes head looking at them) Forgive me for this childish display. But Raziel meant quite well. KAIN WROTE THIS, not me. He stinks in comedy, plus he's just finished playing 'LoK: Defiance' only. He left out most of the other games.  
  
Raziel: See! See! Even Thrax admits your comedy stinks!  
  
Kain: Shut up and let your Reaver do the talking!  
  
Thraxenel: Kain stinks in comedy as much as I do. So please don't blame him if it ain't funny. Also, feel free to drop a review or two. You see, he's just finished reading a few of the 'humor' genres of this website and longs to write one to make people laugh-  
  
Kain: AND DIE LAUGHING!!! HAW! HAW!  
  
Thraxenel:- He doesn't really care to detail the other characters in. Well, Turel and Varador may turn up somewhere or two. Some of these may get you laughing your head or and some will leave you with the annoying 'Are you trying to tell me something?' look.  
  
Raziel: I'll be expecting a lot of that.  
  
Kain: *Whacks him stunned with a TK blast*  
  
Thraxenel: (Sighs and walks away) I can't believe I get paid for this.  
  
* This is a jumble lot of stupid stuff happening to our favourite Vampires, but most of the time you'll see poor Kain struggling to survive the worst possible challenge he'd ever been given: his goblin niece, Darla.  
  
*Darla Scene 1*  
  
Kain is sitting on his throne, reading a piece of paper. He was minding his own business when suddenly someone surprises him from behind.  
  
Servant vamp: SIR!!  
  
Kain: GAHH! (Clutches his heart) Oh god.I just have to get used to living without a heart these days..  
  
Servant vamp: Sir! I have urgent news!  
  
Kain: What is it, Rutbah?  
  
Servant Vamp: *Hands Kain a letter*  
  
Raziel: It bears the seal of the Northern Territories of Nosgoth.  
  
Kain: *Reads and suddenly chokes like someone with a heart attack.* GAHH- ARGHAAA!!!  
  
Raziel: Great, he's being dramatic again. What is it this time?  
  
Kain: D-D-D-DARLA!  
  
Raziel: *Eyes widening* What!?  
  
Kain: She's coming-  
  
Servant Vamp: She's already here, my lord.  
  
Kain/ Raziel: WHAT!!?  
  
A voice sounds from afar, echoing terror thorough Kain's throne room.  
  
*Physco music starts*  
  
Darla: UNCLE KAIN!!!  
  
Raziel: I'm off.  
  
Kain: *Grabs his scarf to prevent him from escaping*  
  
Kain: We're getting through this together.  
  
Raziel: Hah! Last time we teamed up I ended up in your sword!  
  
Kain: Will you forget-  
  
Darla rushes up towards him and clings around his neck, pulling him and Raziel down to drown in her hysterical screaming and laughing.  
  
Darla: UNCLE KAIN! UNCLE KAIN!  
  
Kain: I'm going to die.  
  
Darla: Let's play! Let's play!  
  
Kain: Why don't you play with Raziel first?  
  
Raziel: Me!?  
  
Kain: Yes you!  
  
Raziel: Why me???  
  
Kain: Because you're younger and are more adolescent than I am.  
  
Raziel: That's not a reaso-  
  
Darla: I WANNA PLAYYYYYY!!!!!  
  
Raziel: All right! All right! What game do you wanna play first?  
  
Darla: Shoot-the-wraith.  
  
Raziel: What?  
  
Darla: I invented it by myself.  
  
Raziel: How exactly do you play it?  
  
Darla: Well- first you get two players. That's me and you. Then we decide who runs and who chases.  
  
Kain: (To Raziel) It's like tag, you moron. Children are always inventing new names for the same old game.  
  
Darla: Oh no, Uncle Kain. It's not like tag at all. I added something new.  
  
Raziel: (Folds arms) Like what?  
  
Darla pulls out a hyperdrive bazooka.  
  
Raziel/ Kain: *Pupils delated*  
  
Darla: Alright, those are the rules! Are you ready?  
  
Raziel: DARLA-WAIT!  
  
BOOOMMM!  
  
Darla: Tag, you're it!  
  
Raziel: (Charred) *Opens scarf around the mouth and blows out ash*  
  
Kain: You're on your own, kid.  
  
*  
  
*Outtakes: Kain and Moebius Scene.*  
  
It was near the end of Legacy of Kain: Defiance. Kain stabs Moebius and pulls him close so the reaver sank in deeper into his foul flesh. Moebius gasps and clings to Kain to stop himself from falling. (Notice that I used the word 'cling')  
  
Moebius: You think this will matter?  
  
Moebius puts his hands around Kain's waist and clings harder, looking deeper into his yellow eyes. Kain starts to sweat and swallows.  
  
Moebius: I was the Elder God's most faithful servant, and you will pay! Any last words!?  
  
Kain: Are you gay?  
  
*Outtakes: Raziel scene.*  
  
Raziel is swimming underwater and then activates his Earth Reaver (Which makes him heavy underwater so he can walk around). As he decends, large bubbles blew out behind him.  
  
Raziel: (Takes a watery sniff) Ergh. I don't remember eating that.  
  
*Darla Scene 2*  
  
Kain is busying writing something on his work table with his favourite dove, Brunhild sitting on his head. (Gees, since when did Kain get a dove?)  
  
Meanwhile in the background:  
  
Raziel: (Running) No! Don't you-  
  
BOOM!!  
  
Darla: Asta la vista, baby!  
  
Another explosion; a column drops and falls with a deafening crash. Kain still doesn't look up.  
  
Raziel: (Digging his claws into the floor as Darla drags him by the cloak) NO! NO! MERCY!  
  
Darla: (Pulls him up and jumps on his shoulder) WHEE!  
  
Raziel: NOO!  
  
CRASH. Another column down.  
  
Brunhild: Cooo.  
  
Kain: (Puts his face into his claws) Yes, yes I know! Can't you see I'm trying to ignore it!?  
  
Crash. Two more columns fall.  
  
Kain: (Drops his head and sobs loudly in his arms)  
  
*Outtakes: Raziel and Varador scene.*  
  
Raziel had opened the door to the garden crypt and prepares to meet Varador inside. He enters the room and found Varador sitting with a large rag doll. He appears to be crooning to it.  
  
Raziel: Varador?  
  
Varador: (Talking to rag doll) I know this must be hard for you to bear this burden, my love- but it is true. I cannot deny it as much as I cannot deny my love for you. Doll: *Stares blankly at him*  
  
Varador: Now don't you give me that look! I know it's hard, but you must be brave.  
  
Raziel: (Folds arms) Varador????  
  
Varador: (Takes the hand of the doll and kisses it) Don't cry, my love. Be brave. Please. For me.  
  
Raziel: (Shakes head) This is so cliché. 


	2. Kain continues to insult Thraxenel's fic

*Outtakes; The-Out-Of-Their-Minds type.*  
  
Kain is just being stupid because he loves killing Sarafans so much. The result? This dumb song. God! I just don't know why he keeps writing this!  
  
VAE VICTUS by Thraxenel KAIN  
  
Let sword be at hand,  
  
And let the red blood flow,  
  
Let them scream and cry,  
  
Under my warth and fury!  
  
Chorus:  
  
VAE VICTUS!  
  
VAE VICTUS!  
  
DIE! DIE! DIE!  
  
Sarafan butt I'm willing to kick,  
  
Undead foes prepare to be sick,  
  
Because Kain is back with his big bad Reaver,  
  
All shake, tremble & quiver!  
  
Slash their heads and feed their bones to the hounds, Throw them into the air and whack them to the ground,  
  
Come to me and you will be,  
  
Running away screaming, "MOMMY!"  
  
(Chorus)  
  
All my enemies beware,  
  
I can be plenty of a scare,  
  
I'll make munchkins out of your spines,  
  
And spaghetti out of your very intestines!  
  
Sing hey!  
  
(Chorus and repeat)  
  
VAE VICTUS!  
  
VAE VICTUS!  
  
DIE! DIE! DIE!  
  
La .. la .. la .  
  
Thraxenel: (Clamps ears shut) Oh god, where is the Elder God when we need him!?  
  
*********WARNING! WARNING!*******  
  
Those who think this fic is stupider than the Donkey King himself GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN! What you are about to see is-well, depends on your reaction- the most abdominal reading material that'll even send the Elder God's eyeball bursting out of his sockets with humiliation. Take my word for it, Kain is NOT improving! Don't even look at the next paragraph!  
  
Oh no! No! No! Stop! Put those eyeballs back up!  
  
NOOO! Please stop before it's too lat-  
  
**YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED**  
  
*Outtakes: 'Give-me-a-good-reason-why-I-still-typing-on-the-keyboard' type.  
  
Kain is staring at Thraxenel's computer logged on Fanfiction.net. He is typing endlessly until an enraged Thraxenel stromed inside.  
  
Thraxenel: Enough of this charade, Kain! You've done too much to my account and reputation in Fanfiction! Log off at once!  
  
Kain: (Ignores him) Which story do you suggest I upload? 'Turel's Magic Ears' or 'Janos and the Gay Massacre'?  
  
Thraxenel: LOG OFF NOW!  
  
Kain: You're right. Turel's story sounds much funnier.  
  
Thraxenel: Kain, please! I can't bear anymore bad reviews about this fic! I mean, you haven't even read Blood Omen or Soul Reaver yet!  
  
Kain: Thraxie, it's not about reading those fancy scripts. It's about making people laugh.  
  
Thraxenel: Yes, but-  
  
Kain: Okay, now that you get my point, I might wanna cook up more about Vorador and his ragdoll.  
  
Thraxenel: The ragdoll joke? You think that's 'funny'?  
  
Raziel: It's from personal experience. C'mon, Kain, write some more about them both.  
  
Thraxenel: What? Of all the sudden you changed sides?  
  
Raziel: He's improving.  
  
Thraxenel: You both have poor sense of humor! I say that's enough. Log off now or I'll plug this computer-  
  
Kain: You know, we should put Thraxenel in this fic.  
  
Raziel: Yeah, and his name is 'he-who-steals-every-scene-with-relentless- yakking.'  
  
Thraxenel: That's it!  
  
Thraxenel dives for the plug, but Kain screamed a loud 'No!' and leaps on him.  
  
Thraxenel: OUFFF!  
  
Kain: AH-HAH!  
  
Thraxenel: Get off me, you big bafoon!  
  
Kain: Oh, and you think the word 'bafoon' is funny? I'll show you funny!  
  
They start wrestling with Raziel screaming, "Use the keyboard! Use the keyboard!"  
  
Suddenly Darla steps into the scene, but no one notices her. She crosses over to the computer.  
  
Darla: (Looking at screen) Fanfiction.net. Oooo! It's that website where we can write all sorts of things about out favourite characters! Let's see ..  
  
And so she wrote:  
  
'LiitTle ReD RidDIIng Hooode' a Stori bye Darla.  
  
Da Kast:  
  
Liitle Red Riding Hooode: ME!  
  
The big, bad wulf: Uncle Kain.  
  
Granma: Grumpy old Moebious (da one with artiris arthiris artihiris arthritis)  
  
The handsum woodchopper: Raziel  
  
Ones upon a time dere wasa sweet, prettie liittle gurl named DARLA (Dat's ME!) who alwaz wore da kolor red. One day, she went off to da woodes to give her granny a basket of goodies. And den the biiiiig, baaaaad, fluffy wulf kame.  
  
(And then suddenly for some enigmatic reason, Kain is transported to a deserted woodland wearing a thick, furry wolf suit)  
  
Kain: What the-???!  
  
Darla: (Sugar-sweetly) Hello, Mr. Big Bad Wolf.  
  
Kain: Darla! Where am I and why am I wearing this-  
  
Darla: Uncle Kain! Don't spoil the stowie. You're supposed to say, "Where are you going, little girl?"  
  
Kain: Darla, I can't do that.  
  
Darla: AND WHY NOT!?  
  
Kain: Well, because I'm a seriously crafted character specifically for serious and rather violent games. If I go around dressed as a goat-  
  
Darla: It's a wulfie!  
  
Kain: A wolf? Oh-err-fine, then. Anyway, Eidos and Crystal Dynamics is going to cut off my contract if they see me like this!  
  
Darla: Sue them back, stupid. What's that big Reaver for?  
  
Kain: You don't understand, Darla. If I lose my contract, that Tomb Raider is going to take over-  
  
Darla: WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
The whole wood shakes with earthshaking fury.  
  
Kain: Argh! All right! Err- where are you going, sweet little girl???  
  
Darla: (Calms down as suddenly as the storm began) Okay, that's better. I'm going to my granny's house to give her a basket of goodies!  
  
Kain: Uh-huh. So, err, she lives in the woods, right?  
  
Darla: Yup!  
  
Kain: Okay. You know a shortcut?  
  
Darla: Oh, I'm not supposed to tell strangers the way to granny's! But you can follow that nice little stream over there and you'll be at granny's in no time!  
  
Kain: (Smiles sinisterly) And Moebius is playing granny?  
  
Darla: Uncle Kain! You've just spoilt the surprise cast! I'm going now. HUMPH!  
  
Kain smiles as Darla walks off.  
  
Kain: Oh well. With Meobius stuck in bed, this'll be just too easy.  
  
At granny's small, torn hut:  
  
Knock. Knock. Knock.  
  
Moebius: Eh? Oh no, not another basket of goodies. Haven't I enough cavities?  
  
*Gets up to open the door and sees Kain in the fluffy wolf suit*  
  
Moebius: OH-MY-GOD!  
  
Kain: If you mean the costume, it's Darla's idea.  
  
Moebius: LOOK AT YOU! HAHAHAHAHAHA! *Chokes from heart attack and falls dead to the ground.*  
  
Kain: Huh. That was just tooo easy.  
  
Kain strips him naked, kicks Moebius's dead body under the bed and puts the clothes on. After kicking a dirty, fleabitten wolf in old woman's clothes out of the bed he settled in and waited for Darla to arrive.  
  
Soon enough she did.  
  
Darla: Hello granny!  
  
Kain: (In a sickening granny-like-voice) Hello, darling.  
  
Darla: Woooo. What a BIG head you have.  
  
Kain: Err-better to think with?  
  
Darla: And look at those wrinkles!  
  
Kain: Wrinkles???  
  
Darla: And you have hair! Granny never had hair!  
  
Kain: Err-Oh for Nosgoth's sake, it's me, Darla!  
  
Darla: It's the big bad wulfie!  
  
Pulls out her bazooka.  
  
Kain: Hey wait! That never happened in the story!  
  
Darla: Kids are always changing things, Uncle Kain. Now hold still!  
  
Kain: AYYYYYYYIIIEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Suddenly the door burst open and Raziel in a Canadian logger's suit appeared.  
  
Raziel: Err.(Picks up script) 'Away with you, you flea-infested mongrel!'  
  
Kain: You need work on your scriptwork.  
  
Raziel: I can't be too sure. It's all in toddler's writing.  
  
Darla: (Proudly) I wrote it myself!  
  
Kain: I can't stand this any longer. 


End file.
